Group escapes from cultist jail, testicles remain intact
Who knew that the simple town of Bluff, Utah was a haven for raving lunatic Mormon cultists? A group of several college students found that out the hard way.
On August 11, 2011, Liam McReid, Fellah Al Farooqi, Angela Montoya, and Clyde Jormun, along with a host of others, began a perilous trek across the cracked dirt of the Utah desert after surviving a train crash the previous night when a group of Mormon terrorists hijacked it and fended off the SWAT team sent to take them out.
After the group gathered supplies and headed out, the survivors had nearly reached the highway when they saw a Black Hawk helicopter fly overhead, only to be shot down by a missile from the east, indicating that the Mormon terrorists were far more organized and monied than previously believed.
McReid decided to take matters into his hands by calling the police department and explaining the situation. After an indeterminate amount of time waiting, the police and some EMTs arrived. The EMTs aided the wounded, and the police asked McReid, Al Farooqi, Montoya, and Jormun to come with them to make a report.
The group quickly found out that the “police” were not actually the defenders of the peace, but rather undercover Mormon terrorists. When they had arrived at their destinations, McReid and Jormun had passed out from sleeping gas, but the two women, Montoya and Al Farooqi, made a stand against their captors. However, despite tasing one of the officers into submission and wounding another, the two were overwhelmed when their captors took out guns and opened fire. No one was killed, but Al Farooqi took a bullet before submitting.
Everyone was imprisoned in the police station most of that night, but when Jormun and McReid regained consciousness, Jormun began to heckle the guard. Oddly enough, instead of attempting to attack Jormun or ignoring him, the guard left to cool off, indicating he probably was new to the job.
While he was gone, a man named Jack Bauer, also imprisoned in the cells, expelled a small piece of metal from his body and picked his lock. Before he could undo anyone else’s cell, however, the guard came back and Bauer had to subdue the guard with his bare hands. He managed to accomplish this feat and took the guard’s gun and key ring, releasing the rest of the prisoners.
Once everyone was out, Bauer led them up to the next floor, where their equipment and a significant amount of weaponry awaited them.
Thus geared up, Bauer began to explain a plan of attack to the group, but Jormun and McReid grew impatient with a plan they had already assumed was going to happen: Run out of the building and shoot anyone in their way.
For the most part, the group followed the plan. Jormun threw a can of Pepsi under a table and yelled that it was a grenade, which the “officers” believed, ducking for cover in the process. Bauer was shot at several times during the escape, as he was the first one in and the last one out. However, he was only grazed by a few bullets and never severely wounded. No one else took any damage, and everyone managed to escape out the front door to Bauer’s awaiting vehicle.
After a short bout of deciding who should drive, Jormun took the wheel so that Bauer could shoot at any pursuit.
Pursuit did come in the form of a police vehicle, but some suppressing fire from Bauer and an ineffective Pepsi can from McReid managed to allow Jormun to leave the pursuit behind.
Sources say that the group is currently heading to Bauer’s hideaway.
We will keep you updated with further information about the group’s fate and the story behind the terrorists as information comes in. The whereabouts of the other train crash survivors is currently unknown.