Diana Bones


It seems strange to see a white woman here, but even stranger that she just tore through your attackers like they were bread and butter. She’s only 5’1, but somehow, it feels like you’re looking up at her. Even in her late 30’s, early 40’s, she is attractive: red hair, blue eyes and very pale skin, and lets face it, that form-fitting cat suit over a body which years of martial arts training have kept in very good shape. Sexual attraction, which you may or may not feel depending on your tastes, is hardly the point; she is a living work of art.

That art, is the art of war. Probably she would be even more attractive if it weren’t for the feeling of death that exudes from her body. She may be a person, but she is first and foremost a weapon. If you’re familiar with philosophy, you can’t help but feel like the weapons sheathed and strapped all over her body are more an example of the German philosopher, Samuel Hahnemann’s, “law of similars,” or “like calling to like,” than necessary tools of evisceration. If someone asked you to describe her shoes later, you might have trouble deciding whether or not she was wearing heals. She’s not. Her legs are so toned that she gets look standing in her flat soled, steel toed martial arts boots. You know she could kill you all. The weird thing is that some sick part of you yearns for it.


Now, this is the story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Maybe more than one
I’ll tell you how I became a ninja in Chuncheon

In Quincy, Illinois, born and raised
I got all caught up in that Karate Kid craze
Ralph Macchio was so sexy and cool
that I started taking classes at Karate school
I became a Japanophile
and my skills were real good
Needed more than I could get in my neighborhood
I won every single fight, and I needed to grow
So I took a foreign exchange to Tokyo.

My skills were getting better day after day
But I still needed money to keep on my way
I thought that working as a bar girl would be my ticket.
And if anybody started trouble I could karate kick it.

First I thought, “not so bad”
Until a Yakuza kidnapped my ass.
Fifteen men were more than I could fight
Hmmmmm this won’t be alright.

But wait, the Yazuka sell me to Chinese Triad
Am I some type of easy whore for some Hong-Kong fat cat?
I don’t think so
I’ll see when I get there
but on the way I’m prepared so that I don’t care

I am placed in a giant bottle and when I came out
I see that it all makes sense, I was smarter, I was stronger, I had no doubt
Being with this cat was the best I could get.
I just got here!
I loved my husband! My worries disappeared.

The bottle improved my skills and took away my fear
my body felt so fresh and I looked good in the mirror
my husband had other wives but I just didn’t care
Jealousy, Man forget it’- It feels so good to share

When the Sulsa attacked, I killed seven or eight
The forced me to drink Kool-Aid I appreciated later’
I could see for the first time
I was finally clear
They helped me escape and now I am here.

Diana Bones

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